Are Dating Apps Creating a Generation of Undateable Men?

How to Raise Sons Who Won't Need Apps For Dates

Remember the million-swipe-no-date guy from earlier this summer? I wrote something soon after but lost it in my drafts. Since the New York Times made this summer about how tough it is to find a good guy (sorry Hayden, you didn’t make it), I decided to cut this one loose.

I have 3 sons and my wife and I talk a lot about raising them to be the kind of men women want to date, marry, and build a life with. This isn’t about “how do guys go on dates” or “where did all the good men go?” — but how to raise good men from the start.

Big disclaimer: not every example I give will be 100% right. There are lots of outliers and nuance in raising kids, especially boys. Who woulda thought!

I believe good men start as good boys (not always, but I won’t make that disclaimer every time).

I'm not talking about "good little boys" who do what they're told and don't cause trouble. I believe that kind of thinking is part of the crisis for young men.

I'm talking about self-assured, confident, and kind boys. Boys willing to lead, but know how to communicate, compromise, and be a team player. It's about balancing all of those elements. A man has to take care of himself and others.

A man must follow his calling while building a family that allows other members—especially his wife—to do the same. It's not simple or straightforward. It's not about blindly pursuing your own goals, but neither is it tossing your dreams aside. A man needs a purpose and vision.

This may sound philosophical, but I believe it's at the core of the men's issue, especially for a man who would swipe 1 million times but not get a date (ok enough about Hayden).

If I were in my mid-20s, I’d probably try Tinder too. But I think my upbringing would make me prioritize in-person experiences and connections over hundreds of swipes on an app looking at an idealized version of someone while trying to present an idealized perfect version of myself.

I met my wife at a track meet. My brother met his wife because the baseball and softball players were hanging out. My other brother met his wife through a campus ministry.

School, church, work, sports, social groups, and cocktail parties let you observe and connect with a woman in a non-idealized situation for a first conversation that isn't just about deciding if you'd date.

During those conversations—if you’re the kind of man a woman is considering for a first date—she’ll decide based on whether you have your life together, a vision for your future, and what matters to you. She also sees how you treat her and others in a non-romantic setting.

The last thing I was thinking about—and something I'm emphasizing with my sons—is that it's the man's job to set the tone and lead the family. That means on a first date, you should organize everything and pick a good restaurant or interesting activity.

Get her feedback and ideas, but it's better if you don't have to ask. Notice what she likes and enjoys doing.

But under any circumstances, you should not shrug your shoulders and say "whatever you wanna do is fine." This is the slow death of any relationship—a man unwilling to take the lead and set the tone.

If a man is unwilling or unable to lead, the relationship will deteriorate because the woman is doing the woman's job and the man's job.

There’s nuance, but leading and setting the tone doesn’t mean ignoring your girlfriend or wife’s opinions. A relationship, especially a marriage, is about communication and compromise.

A simple way to think about this in the context of a first date (or any date) is that the man should set up the date and either pick the restaurant or give her 2 to 3 options.

I often reserve two restaurants for date night and see which one my wife likes. Sometimes she suggests something different, and that's OK too.

But the point is I didn't wait for her to suggest a date. I didn't shrug my shoulders and ask "what do you wanna do, babe?" and have her say "well what do you wanna do, babe?" Then I'd shrug again and say "whatever."

Most women want a man to set the tone and take the lead. Too many men think he’s making a woman happy by letting her pick and have all the power, but this isn’t the power a woman wants. This is the strength a woman wants a man to show, which is more important than physical strength.

I'll teach my sons things to make them better men. The last one I'll mention, but merits its own conversation, is to believe in something bigger than yourself. For me and my wife, that is in Jesus Christ.

A man needs a moral compass. For my family, that is Christianity. This is so important because it gives meaning to your life. Even when your ideas of meaning fall apart, you can align with your faith's teachings and purpose.

It means you treat people kindly and with respect. Most importantly, you're not desperate for others' approval—including the woman you want to date—because your worth is sealed by Jesus.

When you put all that together, you have a secure, confident, purpose-driven man ready to share his gifts with the world and build a family with an amazing woman to carry that legacy to the next generation.